Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
