Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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