I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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