Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
