Im at strip club and am horny
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
