it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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