there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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