I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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