Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
