I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
