honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
