I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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