Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
