All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I AM VODKA MAN
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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