Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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