New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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