Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
