The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
