She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
