I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
