my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
