I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
