it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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