Can i not drive my cunt home
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize
