She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
