Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Randomize
