I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
