Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
