Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
