He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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