Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
