Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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