I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
