If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Randomize
