woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
