thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
