I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
