i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
