You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
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