I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
