why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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