I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Boobs speak an international language.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I have aggressive nipples.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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