Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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