I haven't been this sober since birth.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
