Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
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