Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Randomize
