I cannot find my penis.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
