Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you donโt have to recycle anymore ๐๐
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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