i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
did i walk over a car last night?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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