my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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