dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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