I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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