nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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