You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
