After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
